Melinda J. Hill
Extension Agent
Family and Consumer Sciences, Wayne County
It's no new revelation that many parents lead hectic lives. It's a daily challenge to orchestrate the comings and goings, the details of the household, and maintain some personal balance for relationships when all family members are living at home. It becomes an even greater challenge when a member of the family is away from the home for a period of time because of employment, education, or military service.
The partner remaining at home is left to manage the day-to-day family and household issues. The constant transition of roles, responsibilities, and rules within the family unit contributes to the stress between partners. The most common stress is associated with what tasks are to be done, how, and by whom; criticism about maintaining contact while gone; family rearrangement or reorganization of roles, routines, and rules; shifts in social support networks; jealously regarding potential or real extramarital affairs; and disappointments over homecoming fantasies.
The stay-at-home partner assumes new roles and responsibilities when the other partner is gone for a day, a week, a month, or longer. The effect of the change on the family depends greatly upon the family's coping system. What are the particular personal resources or traits within the individuals or family members that assist in managing the daily stressors?
Each going and coming of the family member has a roller-coaster effect on the family. Initially the family goes through a crisis stage, then reorganizes, recovers, and settles into a new lifestyle pattern. This builds experiences for the family members to draw upon for the next departure and gradually the adaptability helps to make transitions easier.
There are three areas of external resources for families to meet the demands of separation - other family members, the family system, and the community. Internal resources include financial well-being, emotional and physical well-being, educational problem-solving ability, psychological resources, and self-esteem. Other factors that influence how easily a family adapts to the absence of one of its members would be individual confidence, past experiences, and the pile up and nature of stressors at any given time.
Many family members reveal that personal confidence, family support, and support from friends and community determine how easy it is to adjust to the ongoing transitions.
Mary Dooley Burns from Minnesota has identified the 5 R's of family change during separation. The five R's are Roles, Rules, Relationships, Routines, Recreation and Celebration and the changes that occur when one person in your family is gone.Sometimes these changes are enjoyable or helpful to the family members who are left behind. Some changes may make the transition of reunion more difficult.
Burns encourages families to work together to identify the changes, then evaluate them when the absent one returns home. Potential problems can be identified and prevented before the next separation.
Here are some examples and suggestions that may be helpful during a family discussion.
How do the jobs and responsibilities change when one person is away? How do they change when the person returns? How are these changes helpful (or unhelpful) to the family members who are still at home?
For example, does the role of disciplining the children change when one partner is away? If so, is there a consistency in how discipline is handled? Or is one partner more lenient or rigid than the other parent?
When paying the bills and/or making major household decisions, are both partners on the same page? Does responsibility for these decisions change when one partner returns home? Are the decisions that are made while one partner is absent questioned or undermined upon the other partner's return home? Roles should be discussed and attempts made to keep these roles consistent, if at all possible.
When roles must change, consider having an agreed-upon plan for exchanging roles and well-defined expectations for how these roles will be carried through. Discuss and voice any concerns about job and responsibility changes and how they affect each member of the family.
Do the rules stay the same or are they more lenient or strict when one person is away? Do expectations about children's behaviors, bedtimes, chores, or curfews change depending on who is at home?
All children, regardless of age, need consistency in the rules they are expected to follow. Lack of consistency leads to frustrated parents and children. Rules and routines become even more important for families who are experiencing a great many separation-related changes.
How do they change with relatives, friends, and even family members when one is absent? Do the strains of handling the daily challenges of family life while apart from your partner affect the amount of time or quality of your relationships with friends or other family members?
Take time to consider how these relationships are affected by the presence or absence of one partner. Are there concerns that should be discussed with your partner, your friend, or your family members?
Come up with a plan for visiting and socializing with others which addresses the needs of both partners.
Do the daily activities continue at the regular pace or are special arrangements needed to fill the gaps of the absent person? What other changes are made in the day-to-day happenings of the family?
If some activities become burdensome while the other partner is absent, consider asking for help from family or friends. Is there a member of your church or neighborhood who can help you repair a leaking roof? Are the children taking on enough responsibility for household chores while the other partner is away?
Does the family put events on hold until the person returns or continue events without the family member? Planning ahead can help the family decide which way to proceed.
Which of these changes seem to create tension or other difficulty when the absent person returns? During a time of family conversation, select one area of concern to work on. Decide how to make changes that are helpful to all family members and that continue to work when the family is reunited. Talking out concerns or problems may be the first step to strengthen your family during these transitional times.
Research indicates that planning ahead helps to facilitate a successful homecoming. Keeping good communication, a positive attitude, and a strong support system will help to make the transitions of a family member coming and going easier for the whole family.
Burns, Mary Dooley. (1994). Parenting Alone Together ... How Does Our Family Change? The 5 R's. Minneapolis, MN: Family Information Services.
Cuozzo, J. and Graham, S. (1990). Side by Side Strategies: How Two-Career Couples Can Thrive in the Nineties. New York, NY: MasterMedia Limited.
Landry, C. Army Family Resource Guide. Fort Ritchie, MD.
Adapted by Jacqueline J. Kirby, Ohio State University Extension.
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