Ohio State University Extension Fact Sheet

Family and Consumer Sciences

Campbell Hall 1787 Neil Avenue, Columbus, Ohio 43210

Don't Clash Over Cash

HYG-5208-96

When asked how much money was enough a wealthy individual replied, "Just a little bit more."

Most families find there is never enough money and, sooner or later, they squabble over it. Meshing different styles of handling money doesn't just happen because people love each other. It takes effective communication, time, and effort.

If your money discussions escalate to shouting matches or tearful sessions, start making changes now. Realize each of you will have different attitudes and values. To one, money may mean power. To another it may mean security or status. One may be a spender, another a saver. The concern is not that you always agree about money, but how you disagree and that you come to a suitable compromise.

What Is An Argument Worth?

Save arguments for important issues. Decide amounts each person can spend without reporting to anyone. It might be $5, $10, $25 -- whatever fits your budget. These regular allowances provide a sense of spending freedom and eliminate discussions over personal items and incidentals.

A Time and A Place

Talking about money "later" or promising to discuss it "some other time" is not likely to happen. Schedule regular meetings to discuss financial matters. This keeps both of you informed and can prevent minor concerns from becoming major problems.

The particular time you decide to meet will depend on family schedules. Try to avoid meeting between 5:00 and 7:00 p.m. when people are usually tired and hungry. Meeting just before payday or when bills are due is often a good choice.

For your meeting, choose a place with minimum distractions. The television, radio, and phone can interfere with your communication process.

Include all family members when appropriate. Children can learn from this process. Allow everyone a chance to express feelings, wants, and needs without interruption or criticism. Family members are more likely to support a decision if they are included in the process.

Listening Habits

Effective communication requires good listening. What kind of listener are you? During a disagreement, do you find yourself planning your defense? Does your your mind wander? Do you stop listening if a subject is hard to understand?

Listen for key points. Ask questions if you don't understand something. Be careful not to criticize, argue, or give feedback that hinders your spouse from expressing feelings.

The following responses hinder effective communication:

Ordering, Directing, Commanding

These messages tell a person their feelings or needs are not important. ("You need to spend less on food.")

Warning, Threatening

Telling what will happen if something is or isn't done can make a person feel fearful and submissive. ("If you don't control your charging, I'll cut up the charge cards.")

Moralizing, Preaching

Telling what should or ought to be done often results in resistance and defending a position even more strongly. ("You really should control the budget better.")

Advising, Giving Solutions

Being told how to solve a problem may make a person feel unable to make wise decisions. ("If I were you, I'd save that extra money.")

Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Blaming

These messages, more than any other, make a person feel inadequate, inferior, or worthless. ("Can't you ever balance the checkbook right?")

Name Calling, Shaming, Ridiculing

This can hurt a person's self-image or cause discouragement and anger. ("Okay, Smarty.")

Use "I..." Messages

The words you choose and your tone of voice can fuel or diffuse an argument. Your spouse is more likely to hear you if you use "I-Messages" instead of "You-Messages." "You-Messages" tend to be verbal attacks of blame and criticism. "I-Messages" focus on you and your feelings.

The Three Parts of an I-Message:

Make a clear statement of how you feel.

Name the specific behavior that caused you to feel that way.

Say why the behavior or event is upsetting.

Instead of this: "You never record the amounts of checks you write."

Try this: "I feel frustrated when you don't record check amounts because I don't want to bounce a check."

Remember: "I-Messages" have three specific parts. Just starting a sentence with "I" doesn't make it an "I-message."

Solving Money Problems

If a problem is worth arguing about, it is worth solving. Combine good communication skills with the following steps:

1. Acknowledge there is a problem. Get feelings out in the open.
2. Identify the real problem. Money issues are often emotionally charged. Organized, written records give objective information rather than guesses. Be sure the issue is really money.
3. Discuss only the identified problem. Keep personalities, past complaints, or other problems out of it.
4. Brainstorm alternatives. List all possible actions/solutions no matter how ridiculous. No one should comment on suggestions until the list is complete.
5. Discuss each alternative and agree on a possible solution. Write it down. A compromise may be the best or only solution. Everyone should feel their wishes were considered.
6. Make every effort to support the solution. Identify and avoid obstacles. Recognize necessary sacrifices. Whose support do you need? Perfect solutions are rare.
7. Keep communication open while working out the solution. Each person needs to feel understood, appreciated, and loved.

Prepared by

Nancy W. Hudson, CFCS
OSU Extension Agent
Family & Consumer Sciences/Chair
Medina County

Barbara J. Gilbert, CFCS
OSU Extension Agent
Family & Consumer Sciences
Lorain County

Let's Talk

Start talking about your money. Fill in the following spaces on your own then compare and discuss your answers with your partner.